Activism - now for the sane and healthy too!

by Jen Chau

Activism needs a serious make-over. I am living proof.

And I am not talking about the embarassing kind of make-over where someone abruptly shows up at your house, wakes you up, drags your bed-head-pajama-wearing-self to some random studio, and then presents you with your "friends" who are in on it the whole time and proceed to burn your entire wardrobe while lounging on a red velvet couch, showering you with "girl, how could you wear this?" and "The 80s called and...um...they're lookin' for you! Yeaaaaa! [one friend hi-5s the other]". I mean....I have never ever watched those make-over shows, but I've heard.

My point is that those make-overs are superficial (and frightening). Activists need something a bit more substantial than that. Let me demonstrate by presenting you with my "before" (me 6 months ago) and "after" (now).

BEFORE (me, 6 months ago):
Activities: directing a non-profit, working a 45 hour per week job, going to school part-time (taking 3 classes), and helping to run an anti-racist training company with my business partner.
Interests: see above! i love organizing for change!
Favorite tv shows: i don't really love tv that much, but
Favorite movies: same as above. i usually watch documentaries or films that deal with race. check out my movie reviews on my podcast!
Favorite books: anything by Langston Hughes, anything by Lois-Ann Yamanaka, Invisible Man, Rubyfruit Jungle, the Bell Jar, Interpreter of Maladies, the Tipping Point, Octavia Butler's books, and beautiful cookbooks.
Favorite quote: Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever does.
Who I'd like to meet: people doing good things!
What my friends would say if they brought me on tv to give me a make-over: hon, it's time to get rid of those dark circles under your eyes, get dressed up, and go out!

So I'm making fun of myself a little, but it's totally warranted. :)

And today....

AFTER (me, now):
Activities: directing a non-profit, working a 45 hour per week job, going to school part-time (taking 2 classes), reading books, catching up on flicks i have wanted to see, putting my sewing machine to use (finally), getting ready for my vacation to tokyo, and spending time with family and friends!
Interests: race issues, education, dancing, boxing
Favorite tv shows: my recent addictions have been The Office and Lost.
Favorite movies: hard to pick favorites, but i just caught up on Rocky I-V. priceless. especially the butler-robot.
Favorite books: i love malcolm gladwell's stuff, the time-travelers wife was my last favorite fiction....catching up on lots of novels i have been wanting to read!
Favorite quote: Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have -- and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up.
Who I'd like to meet: people doing good things and friends who i need to catch up with
What my friends would say if they brought me on tv to give me a make-over: oh.... what happened to you? i guess you look....alright. ?!

Not sure...did that exercise totally knock you over the head with the point I am trying to make? :)

Heavy-handedness aside, I wanted to share my experience of re-working what activism means to me because I think it's probably something that other activists could afford to do too. Or maybe others out there have gotten it for a long time, and this is only news to me? If so, great (but why didn't you tell me?!)!

My old sense of activism is that you completely give yourself over to it. There may not be any time for relaxation, or friends, or family, but it's all worth it -- for the cause! I was willing to commit to years of a hellish schedule, thinking that one day, I would get my project to where it needed to be, and all would be worth it. If anyone questioned my crazy schedule and told me to relax, I would dismiss them and think that they didn't understand. If I had a packed day, but still had work leftover at the end of it, I would sacrifice sleep to finish. I committed to no relaxation, no vacations, and would feel guilty if I had an extended period of downtime (read: a day). My friends wondered where I was -- and I didn't take time to tell them. My family wondered how I was -- all I talked about was work and my projects. I ran on the energy of my passion for change. I was committed to my work, and nothing else mattered. I took time for exercise, and spent time thinking about myself and my growth through writing, but these two activities represented the only time that was for me and me alone. In my mind, those two things were enough to make me healthy. I thought I was happy. I realize now, that this way of being was all I knew.

I learned at a young age that service was something crucial -- that everyone should serve society in some way. My mother was a model of this for me. She was constantly volunteering at the schools which my brothers and I attended (much to our chagrin at the time). I learned from her selflessness, and my belief in service was further strengthened by my education. It just so happens that I had to take an oath in high school: "I shall not leave my city any less but rather greater than I found it," and went to Wellesley College, which boasts providing an education for "women who will make a difference in the world." These schools definitely influenced me, but I was also initially attracted to them because of their values. At each, I was heavily involved, always going to meetings and trying to take on as many leadership roles as possible. I thought that this was the way to contribute and I enjoyed my extra-curricular work (arguably more than my actual studies). I thought of my activism as my schooling. During summer breaks in my college years, I would work a full-time job, but spent a lot of time planning out what my work with campus orgs would look like for the following year. I thought about organizing all the time.

After college, I continued along these lines, but took on even more projects. Without the full schedule of a student, I worked, but felt like I had so much time! I wanted to use this free time wisely by starting an org I really thought NYC needed -- Swirl. We started out as a community org that provided a space for mixed individuals, couples, and families. Three years later, Swirl added on chapters in Boston and the Bay Area, and today we have grown to include Phoenix...with more on the way. A few years ago, I also met Carmen Van Kerckhove, who shared my same passion and interest for change. We wanted to address the dysfunctional ways that society deals with race and we committed to doing everything in our power towards that end. We created several workshops, co-hosted a podcast, and co-edited a few blogs. We added on projects willingly and when we saw the need, and very rarely did I ask myself if it was healthy. Was there room for more work? Always. I decided to cut out my free time on the weekends and went right home after work and the gym to...do more work. I did this for the past two years, and hoped for the creation of a 48-hour day. Eventually I gave up on that hope and finally understood that I have been wrong all of these years....

I took a Group Process class last November that changed my life forever. We learned about group development, and actually experienced it first-hand through an intense set of 3 consecutive days together. The class shaped my thinking around what being an activist means to me today. Literally, it acted as an intervention. There was no way that I could continue as I had been once everyone called me out. Perfect strangers -- my classmates and professor -- could all see after the first day and a half, that I was tired and struggling to find a balance between my work and my own happiness. I had only fooled one person into thinking that all was perfect. Myself.

After the class was over, I talked with Carmen -- I knew that the only reasonable thing to do was to leave my work with New Demographic (ND). I didn't want to hold its progress back, and I knew I just couldn't continue to give time to it in the same way that I had. And our work was only getting busier! This was no time to merely cut back. So we amicably said goodbye (it was the hardest thing I ever had to do -- I had put so much into ND, it was a huge part of my identity, and where would I ever find another great partner like Carmen?). I ended my official work with Carmen in December and just floated for a couple of months. I didn't know what to do with myself. And I wasn't sure where to go from there. Since ND was doing so much of what I thought needed to be done, where could I contribute now? My leaving was a real test for me to figure out what I truly wanted to do -- and to see if all of this work was really something that would always be a part of me.

As you can tell from this blog, I have figured it out. :) This "work" -- whatever I am giving my energies to -- whether it's race relations in this country or education reform, I need it. I cannot be complacent and ignore the things that still need so much fixing. At the same time, I don't have to kill myself trying to help. There is an in-between, and it is this balance that I am finally starting to find for myself. Thanks to the people throughout the years who have suggested I find this balance. I never listened to you and thought you were crazy. I admit to my own stubborness -- but I think activists need to be a little stubborn if you ask me. ;)

So what have I changed?

1. I used to feel unsatisfied and bored if my day wasn't jampacked. Now I take time to do things that I truly enjoy but never allowed myself to do.
My work is still of utmost importance to me, but what has shifted is my understanding of what I need to do for myself in order to be in a good place to do the work. Before, I allowed myself a few hours of sleep, some exercise, and not much more. Now I realize that reading a book for pure enjoyment (not always one that is going to forward my understanding of race, education, or some other heavy topic), or taking a dance class I have been meaning to take...going to listen to an author read from her new book, or going to the museum to stare into paintings and photos -- it's all a part of what I need to do to feel nourished. To use an analogy, let's say that I have been a fern. A well-watered fern with no exposure to the sun. That's just sad. Finally, I see the light. Wink, wink, nudge nudge.

2. I used to jump to be the first to take on a leadership role. Now I wait until after I have considered whether I am truly the best person for that role. I used to voice my concerns whenever I felt something needed to be said. Now I wait for a bit. If I am always leading, and frequently talking, does anyone else ever get a chance to step up? And then I wonder why others are apathetic. Well maybe it's because they don't feel that there is space for them to act. Maybe others are trying to get a word in but can't. Maybe my brand of activism scares people away. I think the number one comment I have gotten throughout the years has been: "You do so much! I have no idea how you do it...I don't think I could do what you do." Our view of activists has to be as varied as possible. Activism can and should take many forms. If I am the only example of an activist that someone knows, they will think, oh, that's how to be an activist. And if they don't see themselves fitting into that model, then do they do anything? Maybe. Maybe not. If not, this is a problem. Activism in all of its forms needs to be seen -- though I fear the most visible and recognized ones are the ones that work non-stop...the ones who work themselves to death. The unhealthy ones.

3. I used to neglect myself for the cause. Now I make more of an effort to really care for myself.
Activists are sometimes portrayed as martyrs. Sometimes they really are martyrs. I thought activism needed to be about being a martyr. Even though I would never have admitted to thinking this was true, I know that I believed it subconsciously. It's so much better for an activist to be human. If an activist isn't always sacrificing self for the cause, but really taking time to have a full, well-rounded life (complete with friends, family, down-time, and other interests), you might argue that they will be better equipped to actually do more...and to have a longer activist lifespan. I realize -- it's so counter-intuitive! -- that the less work I do, the more I do. I was spread too thinly, and not doing my best with anything. I was doing 50% on everything. Not only does this feel bad, but it is a horrible example (as I mentioned above), and how much am I really giving to the cause? Ok, I have given a significant amount, but I wonder how much more effective I would have been at various points in my life if I had only focused on one thing vs. eight (quality vs. quantity). I don't regret the path I have taken or the choices I have made because they have all led me here, but I do realize now that I need to make different choices for myself.

4. I used to think that more was more. Now I understand that less is more. I cannot tell you how much more productive I am, now that I get 8 hours of sleep per night (I used to think sleep was overrated), relax when I should, and really focus on a smaller amount of projects. I feel happier, more relaxed, and this also contributes to my productivity. Not to mention that my work has also shifted from being nearsighted (focused only on the day-to-day because that was all I had time for -- the urgent, pressing things!) to planning, goal-setting, and working with vision.

I feel very lucky to have finally made these realizations, as I have already felt the benefits of my shift in thinking. I have been able to lead Swirl through some interesting changes, I have been able to be there for the birth of a close friend's baby, I have spent more quality time with friends and family, and I have been able to really grow through better planning and more thought. I see that the healthier I am, the healthier my relationships are, and the healthier my work is. Instead of speeding by everytihng, I am taking time to look around and really consider the different choices that lay in front of me. I am working smarter instead of just working harder.

I know many others out there who are committed and passionate -- people who also want to change the world for the better. Please do not misunderstand -- the kind of fire that gets us to work on something for all hours of the night is so important and not to be extinguished. I am merely hoping that we will all better direct that fire so that it doesn't consume us and everything around us...but rather creates light and warmth where we need it, and inspires us to act in organized ways.

Here's to sanity and health....along with great change. :)

Comments

[jarrad]

That's awesome! No guilt for taking care of yourself.

Your new favorite quote is interesting. Isn't the opposite also true sometimes? People also overestimate the value of what they want but don't have, while they underestimate what they do have. I know advertising depends on that mindset. It would be good to know what makes people switch from one view to the other.

[nadia]

this is exactly what i needed to read right now. i am in a place of trying to figure out what the most productive allocation of my time will be...it is definately a struggle but reading about your experience really helps!

[jen chau]

jarrad, thanks for your comment...yes, i guess that's true...that the inverse of the quote could be true too. depends on the situation... i guess the thing that i thought about when i first saw it is that people are SO bought into (in terms of class, race, etc) the way things are done currently. people hold on hard to the old ways of doing things and rarely ever try to move past that (for example, i'm not sure why we are still seeing tons of passing stories on talk shows in 2007 -- the 50s called and wants its racial dysfunction back!).

and i agree that media has a lot to do with changing people's mindsets (for those of you who aren't familiar, you should check out www.racialicious.com -- it is a blog that looks at the collision of race and pop culture).

i also think that the more voices are out there saying something different, the more likely it is that we will be able to affect change.

[jen chau]

nadia, glad that my words were helpful! let me know if you think a chat would help (jenkchau@gmail.com) ...happy to talk with you and be an ear for you. btw, where are you? i am thinking of putting some gatherings together for the activists out there. :)

[Sasha King]

Very good Jen. Every time I tried to initiate contact you seemed stressed, so I backed off. I'm learning the value of living life too.

[jen chau]

haha thanks for calling me out, sasha! :) i have no doubt that i seemed stressed when you tried to connect with me before. happy to say that me stressed doesn't happen often anymore. :) glad you are learning the same thing!!!

[Robin Margolis]

Dear Jen:

What an excellent essay! Every activist should read read it.

I very much appreciate you posting it.

I routinely refer people to Swirl, and am glad that you have not also "retired" from that group yet -- though I would understand if you needed to do so to get some rest or shift to other projects.

But whatever you are doing, I am sure that it is improving the world.

Very best wishes for your work in the world,

Robin Margolis
Half-Jewish Network
www.half-jewish.net

[jen chau]

robin, thanks so much for the comment. i am glad that you enjoyed this essay. :)

and yes, the swirl goes on! it's my baby and there is still lots of great work to do through the org. i'm excited about all that we have done and all that we are preparing to do.

your kind words and support mean a lot! best to you as well... :)

[Robin Margolis]

Dear Jen:

I am very glad to hear that your work with Swirl continues!

The group is greatly needed.

But it is good that you also are getting some rest :)

Warmly,
Robin

[Windy Cooler-Stith]

Hi Jen,

Thanks for the great entry.

I'd like to talk to you about your transformation for my semi-regular newsletter on organizer health for Services for Inspired Propinquity. Is there a good time we can chat?

Also, if you have a moment, our 2008 Survey Organizer Health is still open to new respondents until Monday. You can find it on the homepage of inspiredpropinquity.com.

Thanks again for all you do! And for taking care of yourself.

Best,
Windy

[jen chau]

Windy, thanks so much for your comment. I would love to talk with you -- I sent you an email! Hope to connect soon.