I'm starting to feel the kicks of our baby. I'm 21 weeks pregnant and somehow half-way there already. It happened overnight! On the other hand, the first week of knowing that I was starting to grow a fetus seemed to last forever because I was bursting at the seams. So happy I had to tell family. I didn't want to wait the traditional three months. I couldn't. Something so happy had to be shared immediately. And if god forbid anything happened, I would need my people to know. To be able to hold me up.
I'm feeling the kicks. It's surreal to think that I am growing a person. And I've watched friends and colleagues have babies but I suppose being removed, I never really intensely thought about the experience.
I'm feeling the kicks because my baby is now the size of a banana. A couple of weeks ago, an heirloom tomato. How fancy. It cracks me up to think about the growth in terms of fruits and veggies, but I suppose it's the easiest way to visualize. This banana is running out of room, so I am starting to feel him/her. It's exciting to get little reminders throughout the day that the little one is moving around and playing in there.
I'm feeling the kicks.
I'm feeling the kick to get everything in order.
Being clear to those who are important to me and Gerry and in turn our child, how critical of a role they play. Knowing and solidifying the community into which we are bringing our baby. Feeling good and healthy and as ready as I will ever be (!) as a mom. Knowing that I play such a critical role and wanting to be present (and being mentally, emotionally and physically healthy allows this) for my baby from day one. Let me tell you something - being pregnant has taught me pretty quickly and clearly that I don't take good enough care of myself (e.g. late lunches/missed lunches, not enough sleep, saying yes to too much -- all of these habits of mine were kicked to the curb as soon as I knew they now affected another much more vulnerable being). And of course, I'm glad I realize this now, but wonder why it was all okay to do it when it was "just me."
I'm feeling the kick to protect.
I've thought a lot about what I want to replicate from my own experience as a child...and what I don't. And I have surprised myself (the hormones probably helped to push things over the edge ;)) by reacting very strongly to certain things. For example, when my husband and I were talking about communities in which to live (to find a bigger space), I was open...and then freaked out when I thought one of the communities we were considering was not diverse enough. I flipped. I got rigid. I demanded we stop considering it. I may have cried. :) There was no way our child would grow up feeling different, abnormal. Because I did. Oh man, it's scary how much of our selves goes into this. And it makes sense to a certain extent, but I also want to balance, never trying to re-live or "right" any of my own wrongs through my child. To always do my best for him or her and not to put too much of my own s#^% into everything. Oy. You gotta be self-aware for this stuff! It's no joke.
I'm feeling the kick to get to "super-team" status with my partner.
That we are amazingly aligned and agree about general parenting philosophy and have a plan for every possible troubling scenario. Just kidding [nervous laugh]...Ok, I said I felt the kick, but I have not acted on it because I know that there are some things you just can't plan for. And there are some things that if attempted to plan for drive everyone crazy in the process. :) There are some things we are not going to know until we get there. I know that. And though this post probably sounds like I am obsessing over everything, I am actually not. :) But am I thinking a lot? Asking myself a lot of questions? Yes. And my husband and I talk about "What ifs" as they come up. And we are okay when we don't have an answer. I suppose "super-team" = thoughtful, communicative and willing to work as a team when the baby diaper hits the fan.
Lots of kicks. Lots of love - already. I'm so excited for what is to come. In the meantime, I rest my hands on my stomach, feeling the movements and smiling with each turn.
This post is dedicated to Steph. Thanks for your love and your support of my voice.