It starts with a busting out sort of feeling
Like drinking from a water hose and finally turning away
Taking in in in until I need to let out
I bust out and I walk so fast I’m almost running
Straight to the woods between my apartment and the water
I had never been there before the quarantine
No reason. Too busy. Distracted.
I went for a walk under the dark skies. It’s cool tonight in New York City and I couldn’t wait for the crisp air. I have felt hot all day. I have been inside all day.
<< feeling a lot of feels turns my nose red
I just came across this piece from my journal and thought that it would be good to dust off in light of the Women's March this Saturday. It's sort of amazing to feel the energy and activism that seems to be rising up from all corners lately.
For the last eight months, I've been planning. Getting the nest ready. Reading up (as I do). Largely excited with a tiny bit of natural anxiety mixed in. Friends and colleagues (and of course the daily strangers) have remarked about how well I am doing. How happy I seem. I am.
I'm starting to feel the kicks of our baby. I'm 21 weeks pregnant and somehow half-way there already. It happened overnight! On the other hand, the first week of knowing that I was starting to grow a fetus seemed to last forever because I was bursting at the seams. So happy I had to tell family. I didn't want to wait the traditional three months. I couldn't. Something so happy had to be shared immediately. And if god forbid anything happened, I would need my people to know. To be able to hold me up.
It started with the reading I went to tonight. The author was engaging, reflective, honest and humble. Funny too. He talked about his process of writing, the mistakes he's made, and ranted a bit at the end about technology (prompted by an audience question). He shared my same thinking - that it's a wonderful tool but that it is taking us away from each other in many ways. Glowing screens at the dinner table take the place of meaningful discussion. iPhones become pacifiers for babies. First dates take texting breaks in between dinner and dessert. This is the new norm. Many of us struggle to be present because of the beeps and the constant wondering about what might be happening in one's inbox, one's Facebook wall, one's Twitter or Instagram feed. It's endless. If you let it be.
Wake up, think “I can’t wait til I’m back in bed later
today.”
Leave your home, think “I just want to be at work. I wish I could just teleport
myself there.”
Get to work, think “I can’t wait for lunch.”
Get to lunch, wonder what you’re going to have for dinner.
Get to the end of the day and think “Can’t wait for the weekend.”
Wish for vacation and once you’re there, think about everything you’re going to
have to do once you get back.
We wish for the day to be over.
This week to be over.
This month to just end.
Next year to come.
When I got engaged a few months ago, I failed to immediately envision my perfect wedding (to the disappointment of many).
Within days, we were asked whether we had a date yet. The answer was no and continued to be no for a few stressful months. I didn't know what kind of dress I wanted right away and I sure as hell didn't have a color scheme (orange/grey? aqua/tangerine? what about hot pink and yellow?!). I have friends who have been thinking about their big day for years. They are ready for it. Me, I'm beginning to have a clue. And the thing is, I am really excited to be married. But I have realized that the more interesting thing about all of this is understanding what marriage really means to me and how it changes my relationship with Gerry.
It's been almost a year since I last wrote here.
About a year since we lost Fuzzy.
More than a year since I left New Leaders...
...and Queens.
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